Atom bomb test dummies r' us

Sticks and stones will break your bones but megalomaniacs will bomb you

When it comes to the various modes of demise, I deeply relate to the character Grug played by Nicolas Cage in “The Croods” whose motto was, “Never not be afraid.” He was a caveman. I should probably evolve. But one thing I never worry too much about is the threat of nuclear war, which seems like I’m missing a great opportunity to really dive in and bathe in the frigid waters of existential dread. Yet, there hasn’t been a better time since the O.G. Cold War to fret about such matters.

According to the ever-forboding Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Doomsday Clock, we are only 89 seconds to midnight — “closer than ever” to wiping out life as we know it. The metaphorical clock that’s been keeping track of how close humanity is to annihilating itself since 1947 is telling us that in 2025, there is more nefarious shit than ever before in the realm of growing nuclear arsenals, along with the bonus of “disruptive technologies” like AI involvement in military decision-making.

This is no great revelation, and even though the Doomsday Clock is only symbolic, it’s not necessarily wrong.

It was created as a reaction to the implementation of the first atomic bombs, and while it would be easy to dismiss it as a liberal scare tactic — because it also incorporates the dangers of climate change and misinformation — the furthest the clock has ever been from midnight (aka doomsday) was in 1991 when Republican President George W.H. Bush and Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev had a lick of sense and worked toward dismantling some of the powerful weapons of mass destruction in both nations. It was a cool 17 minutes from midnight then — just another thing for Gen X to be nostalgic about.

All this time, I’ve found comfort in the idea that the people who have the power to implement the destruction of humanity understand that they lose a lot if they push that button. Even though they’d have access to bunkers and ample food and a worthy DVD collection, it still seems like a shitty life to be confined for years to that underground space that will probably end up smelling like farts and despair. The bigger concern for all these small dick energy “leaders” is likely that they’d lose their masses to lord over if they kill everyone. Takes all the fun out of wielding power, so there’s that incentive not to incite a nuclear war. I hope.

In 2019, The International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons estimated that if there were a nuclear war between the U.S. and Russia involving one low-yield nuc, just over 34 million people would be killed and more than 57 million would be injured within the first few hours, then untold millions or billions — hard to say — would continue to die slowly due to radioactive fallout and changes to the atmosphere that could wreak havoc on the ecosystem. It’s ironic how the highest levels of intelligence were used to create the dumbest technology of all time — so far. The Arms Control Association says that as of 2025 there are 12,400 nuclear warheads in the world. That feels excessive.

A dark irony of nuclear war is that it flips the script on death, making it the more desirable option if surviving means living in a hellscape of loss and suffering. If humanity were to somehow soldier on, though, in pockets around the globe, eventually they’d find each other, and probably start anew with power struggles and divisiveness. History has shown us it’s the human way, which makes me think of a great quote attributed to Albert Einstein (though it’s not clear that he actually said it): "I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

Just like in Grug’s day.